"I'm rated M, fuck you!"

Last month there was a pretty big hype over Prey. Everyone was calling it "Doom 3 with portals and gravity shifting." I loved Doom 3, and if the idea of portals don't excite you after watching the demonstration videos for Valve's "Portal," then there is something seriously wrong with you, I'd wager.

Of course, I picked up Prey. For whatever reason when I finally got my hands on it, it was really late and I was practically falling asleep in my computer chair. But let's face it, I was excited. I was only able to play about thirty minutes or so before I absolutely had to go to sleep, but I remember going to sleep thinking "I hope it was just my sleepiness that made that game feel so dull and clunky."

As it turned out, it wasn't sleepiness at all, it was the fact that the game is dull and clunky. Everything in Prey feels like it weighs 4,000 lbs, whether it is a glossy alien dog or a glossy alien rollie-bomb(?). I never felt like I was killing anything in this game, but rather weakening some kind of alien gravity-shield and making the enemies fall victim to their heavy bodies, including the two punks you have to beat up at the bar with a monkey-wrench.

The game doesn't feel like Doom 3 at all, nevermind the fact that it uses the same engine. It feels like Unreal Tournament with glossy processor-intensive shaders on everything. It's hard to experience immersion in a game when I feel like I'm gliding around on ice rather than walking or running. Also, to the developer, it's probably not a good idea to start off your game with the character looking in the mirror at himself if you have made your character model stiff, without any animations or body movements to reflect what the player is doing. see: looking up; looking down; doing anything except turning and walking (gliding?)

Okay, okay. We can deal with awful feel of the game and the flashy shaders and lighting covering up how far behind Prey is, graphically. At least give us a good immersive story with a good likable protagonist. Oh, I guess we can't have that either. Unless you are a rebellious thirteen year old boy who loves the f-word more than anything, you probably will not be able to feel immersed in Prey at all.

What is it with M-rated games shoving it in your face in all the wrong ways lately? Mature? Give me a break. These games are for kids, with cool parents, who want to feel mature. Tommy is loathsome. He curses at his father and girlfriend, at the aliens, at himself, and at pretty much everything he comes across. "I don't have time for this shit!" "What the fuck?" "That was fucked up! No...THIS IS FUCKED UP!" Come on, man, give it a rest. I notice a lot of games suffering from this problem of developers trying to really let you know that their game is rated M by throwing in some cussing wherever they possibly can. F.E.A.R. had this problem too, but at least that game had a cool feel to it to back it up.

Honestly, I can't believe the reviews Prey netted, and the praise it is continuing to get. Honestly I felt that the portals and gravity-manipulation, which were most definitely the game's only redeeming qualities, were wasted on a joyless and uninspired game. Even the splash menu for Prey is ugly, what the fuck, fuckers?

I'll just continue waiting for Portal, thanks.